journal

- xi - this time it wasn't anything i did or hadn't done the last time up for grabs sometimes i stop sometimes i only skid most times i don't remember to keep tabs don't be surprised to find i've turned up lost      where we last crossed i'd meant to head back north to get my stuff but couldn't make that happen not at first my stuff was worth the trip but not enough to keep me off the road to which i'm cursed so jen's trashed what she'd not already sold      so i've heard told apologies that i was so abrupt in leaving when i did and how i went you know me how my timing's all corrupt and how what makes it through arrives all bent but yeah i'm good to go a few more rounds      is how it sounds what better way to waste away our time than bringing both our journals up to date mine with the details of my latest crime then yours with what mine for yours lies in wait so pull me up a chair and pour the wine      let's both be fine   - xii - he wasn't in the raid that made the news nor did he make that flight that hit the dirt yeah he's the only love i'll ever lose but when i do no one'll see me hurt his secret's in what will have gone unheard      mine's in my word   - xiii - jail's great for keeping what you've got intact until you're up to keeping it yourself which i still might not be to state a fact so yet could get put back up on the shelf the shelf with bars the one with guarded locks      safe in my box that one guard made sure no shit ever moved without him in it taking out his cut he frisked me good but nothing can be proved i made it up like i've done nothing but it's all the same outside as well as in      i'm built for sin i took up knitting that i made up too since needles i use weren't for twisting wool which screwed me up except it got me through my habit's my exception to my rule a hobby more my style's knots ripping ice      normal's so nice orange ain't my color not like this this isn't for a sunset ain't for fruit it ain't the embers burning in a kiss no this orange's the way they made my suit which doesn't suit me well and hangs too loose      my orange noose except that's what i needed for restraint it's why i chose a cell over a room since being good at being good i ain't i can't wait for the good life to resume don't fault me if the choice i made turned bad      it's all i had they can't expect to rehabilitate the nightmare into which my dream got hurled i got out early yeah yet still too late to do the time to reinvent my world so freedom's what i'm stuck with dead to rights      that's why he fights   - xiv - before that shit went down i'd headed west if i'd not said so you still knew i would sometimes things don't work out as we think best at least she made it better while she could so what's not for the best's done for her sake      and she's awake yes she's awake rebuilding it from scratch in some ways sadder than she was before her future needs her past without a catch without that cliff she found outside her door there's nothing yet she calls a memory      not even me her eyes do glisten when her love's nearby she seems to trust the presence he still is he gives her meaning gives her reason why that voice she hears inside her dark is his so should she never speak another word      she will be heard and as for me i tender no regret nor book no expectations she need please what's worth remembering's what we most forget our seizure's in the moments we'd best seize there's no such thing as words that go unread      or don't get said   - xv - does one not need a home to be homeschooled? i'm not the expert on prerequisites i'd like to think her mother'd not be fooled "except she was" what's left of her admits so certain things the kid would never learn      are our concern i still keep finding pieces she composed the ones he had were but a tiny set with clues to open windows he'd thought closed and links to words he never thought we'd get the child's a live connection to each poem      her ride come home "mommie pearl!" the kid recalled my face "auntie" i corrected with a look she giggled how i took her mother's place as if she knew already what that took how far her mother'd headed down the track      then not turned back some kids you expect to run away some kids get selected some get dropped some kids you can't tell yet or won't say this kid's one they can't help but adopt then went and changed the name by which she's known      to not her own once things'd settled down they let us meet and hey she's got herself a little sis a home a family so nice so neat i went and left her with her mother's kiss a dying wish'd asked i remain involved      it's been resolved so i'll check in in case they need my help or if not they can still expect me near i'm proud to be known by that little whelp who's everything her mother once held dear this time i'll try to keep in better touch      it means that much   - xvi - i tried to find a place to turn around but didn't not until the wolves had run to morrow where my limit will be found the limit not revealed to anyone a girl must walk the mileage she can't drive      watch me arrive   - xvii - probation papers they're a bloody bitch i'll not swear how long this charade might last yeah some of this shit's serious but which will still look serious once in my past i'm betting on the ones i had to sign      the rest ain't mine supposedly they're giving me a chance to demonstrate i've learned their lessons well or if by inconvenient circumstance i'm bad again i get put back in hell which doesn't mean hell ain't where i belong      i'm born to wrong i'm looking for the form that lets me move back home if i can keep a clean report parole's already told me they'll approve i think i just need something from the court i know last time my ass would not sit still      this time it will

pearls