pearls

journal

Posted in nothing special by maggie on 2010/02/01
journal

- i -

almost past denver goes how far i went
then one more ride a long night's drive beyond
before forgetting what i'd called intent
my winds turned east i can't help but respond
besides there wasn't yet time to forget
   my latest debt

i'd thought to make it to a western shore
look up a name and street i'd memorized
to stake me what i'd lost manhattan for
before the words i'd written got revised
or in some cases need to be erased
   as aimless waste

for travel cash i sold a piece of prose
for rides i mainly took whatever came
ahead behind you know the way that goes
you close your eyes to keep them on your aim
as long as i kept moving i did fine
   outside the line

that history it's said i scrambled from
the work the rep the man even the child
they're only distant memories they've become
which ain't the model after which i'm styled
the words we said the breaths we said them on
   are good as gone

that first step's always easy wasn't long
before i made it halfway down the road
i wasn't right that didn't make me wrong
it only takes a second to reload
some never learn to learn from a mistake
   that's all i make

yeah then i ran into a little snow
and didn't have the shoes for pushing through
that wind chewed up my bones that much i know
it felt a lot like sleeping close by you
as in how well it did to make me stay
   through night to day

which works a whole lot better with a place
where one can point to where one has a bed
i always had my smile on just in case
and always wore a coat easy to shed
yet got to spending nights nothing to hold
   that wasn't cold

how often and how near i reached for death
to fall asleep beneath a windblown drift
i now know i'll save this for my last breath
"you won't get found till spring, you lucky stiff"
some wishes have to wait to be the last
   the rest go fast

the ride that finally took me one mile high
that woman was an angel straight from hell
you can't choose which directions might apply
when satan checks you in her own motel
at least for once i found me things to eat
   within her heat

it wasn't where i'd planned to turn around
for heading back toward chelsea's cozy rooms
what i meant rarely matters so i've found
i work off scraps from what my world presumes
ask anyone who knew enough to know
   i'm just as though

so downtown denver felt about as far
like standing at the ocean's very edge
my ride asked "do you realize where you are?"
i told her of the cut the blood the pledge
and mentioned with my eyes what it's about
   and then got out

 
- ii - the guy i hooked up with my first night west wasn't expected back in before past three and was good just enough to not need to be best so we had us some time and he spent it on me but wanted kept out of my art and my song so's not here long
 
- iii - so my old roomie sold her some writing too say yeah to her for me if i first don't it's rare to get paid right for what we do more than likely it's for what we can't or won't i should've been present to show her out loud she did herself proud and that pledge we wrote down after i'd left her on the concepts and me on the drums i'm hearing her publisher found it quite deft yeah that's what a serious promise becomes she'll so knowingly smile when she hears that one said over what's ahead some words must be written to get it said some words must get said to be believed some words we believe go straight to the head then stay up there even after they've been retrieved the words she came up with set heads on fire of raw desire she'd argued hard for joining me out on the road my thelma feeding off her best louise then here her world's grown out while mine's only snowed as hers gave out heat i've been feeling mine freeze yeah that would work magic her fire with my ice roulette with dice she won't need me saying i wrote shit for her like a map i might draw her to keep it all straight the way we will love knows the lovers we were and won't memorize the lines rhyming with hate then still be around when i need me a friend word without end
 
- iv - you're trying hard to not mention the limp for now i'll leave that one for you to guess i'm still your same goddamn mischievous imp everything me still works well more or less including the leg which walks a little odd blame that on god no doubt you've also caught a few new scars in places where you know i'd never cut let's just say one really does see stars and these i got when i saw little but my legendary caution's slipped to shrugs blame that on drugs my coming back that must get you amused must tickle you pure pink you told me so yeah except i ain't sick lost tired used my point of no return left me years ago returning me hard time this journey's of blame that on love
 
- v - passed out irresponsibly silly drunk any other excuse a woman like me might pass all i remember's when i escaped from that funk the whole damn world'd shoved itself up my ass not near enough coming out where my mouth'd been that there was when was when i heard the voices finally cease was when what was called love inside me died was when the moment handed me release was when i went along for just the ride a ride up through the mountains god knows where out in thin air i'll keep in touch with who did me that drive who hasn't said what hit him with the urge it takes too much to keep such dreams alive they don't turn real the instant they emerge i only know he touched the one i was a good cut does "have i been kidnapped?" darkness bent his smile he stopped the car so i could move up front the rock and snow took over mile on mile i lost the itch to ask "what do you want?" we didn't talk as though we didn't need he had the lead until somewhere midmorning on a ridge a thousand lonely worlds from any life with icy peaks to stars stretching their bridge and slicing up the sky the wind's cold knife we walked us hand in hand off from his ford away and toward i briefly thought the scene his fantasy some poet fetish yeah that'd be my luck he's brought me to this sharp infinity and now he'll only want me here to fuck except i'd not have minded that at all as i recall as i recall i questioned how he knew where everything inside me stood so still as i recall his silence made it true or if it didn't then for sure it will i barely even heard him drive away or i won't say relief at first so far i'd not been harmed with followthrough amusement and surprise concerned neglected paranoid alarmed a thousand prayers a thousand more goodbyes of every bastard asshole prick i've cursed i cursed him worst then came the fear of being too exposed for this occasion i'd not thought to dress then horrors i'd want left as undisclosed and sins i'd just as soon not dare confess i figured he'd abandoned me to rot yeah who has not? i know i'm not the center of my world that i want things my way that ain't the truth i'll even feed off shit against me hurled and find it sweet no matter how uncouth yet only knew that night out on my own i am alone attention? yeah right paint it with a twist pity? spend that where you'll get repaid he'd thought himself to be as little missed? yeah maybe so but i still felt betrayed we feel the love the most after it's gone when it's withdrawn i know i know i'm not the one to preach to some i'll never be more than a child but everything we need's always in reach i found that out myself out in the wild there's nothing accidental in love's voice love is a choice love chooses to be clawed up by the bear love chooses to fall off a jagged cliff decides to get forgotten god knows where accepts what happens then without the if love makes the love that love is lover of love chooses love down on the plains i'd wanted to escape and when i die will seek such solitude up here my peace found quite a different shape that stripped me of my isolated mood although it wasn't all that big a deal that time was real i frolicked naked in subzero chill and laughed so hard the echo had to blush i watched the sun come through where day soon will and heard old secrets snow pretends to hush i danced i played i didn't give a damn how crazy i am of course he came to drive me back to town it's only down here friends not always do and yeah we made love when we got back down but not as though we'd thought it that far through past that i've not yet seen that guy again thank you amen
 
- vi - another thing i don't check in advance will that be trouble if so tell me now things can't go near so far outside pure chance one chance i'd kill to let myself allow just long enough to make us another spring another thing if things work out ok we'll make that soon to kick it off together face to face then if we stretch it out on into june by then i hope to have me my own place unplanned and unintentional no doubt if things work out i will return the time i lost or stole it doesn't matter we weren't keeping track you've never seen me when i've lost control when i give in like that you get it back out here i had to teach myself to learn i will return
 
- vii - i got a parttime job that was legit that worked me without taking off my jeans some days i even half made sense of it how one's not worth the value one demeans so somehow i've become the best of clerks whatever works i even served as substitute cashier to be that trusted that one made me laugh yeah even so it won't be a career they don't expect that much of parttime staff at least it meant i didn't have to beg until the leg
 
- viii - the leg yeah god's a rank comedian my soul's the part i meant to dislocate i'm not so good at catch me if you can without a knee that takes a little weight smirk on! whoever gets it shares its shame limp joke gone lame it floors me flat how people get amused the kicks some get from anything thought odd my size my shape the ways my body's used perhaps they're just in image of their god this ain't burlesque a leg no longer whole wrapped round a pole i didn't do it for the cripple jokes i didn't do it for the sympathy it's not to score some income from a hoax it's not broke how i'd want my leg to be nor all the other stupid silly talk i just can't walk at least not straight and not without some pain and likely will be permanent i'm told except that's not what moves me to complain but how it can no longer take the cold while time steps on through blooper flaw and glitch without a hitch intentional it wasn't not this time though who knows what my nature might intend but if i did so what is that a crime? there's nothing there i've a duty to defend some things are meant while some are just because that's how life does i've read somewhere how all roads intersect except the ones diverging from a fork this road was both together i suspect a guy showed up i'd known back in new york and let's just say that last time wasn't fun and call it done a business trip or maybe here to ski i'm not enough to come this far to find but i'd seen him and knew he'd spotted me so upped my watch ahead both sides behind then caught him with a hand tucked down his pants where i go dance there's never been a corner i can't twist through doors and alleys only locals know i've gotten good at being scarcely missed a shadow shifts and i am good to go so i saw little risk of an attack later out back maybe he never meant me any harm maybe he meant nothing but that all along all i remember's him grabbing me by the arm then a patch of ice i must've turned on wrong blacked out came to finding i'd not stayed put dragging one foot i'm betting i won't ever chance to see a joint as useful as a working knee joints get smoked by idiots like me it takes a god to make a goddamn knee apologies to kilmer for the point mine slipped its joint ask anyone they'll say how i despise hospitals doctors needles nurses pills we only get what health our money buys i'll skip them cures and settle for my ills so though it could be years before i'll kneel fuck it i'll heal again what's me still works well more or less including the leg which walks a little weird would i revise a word? i can't say yes our dreams run out of things we thought we'd feared da damn da damn da damn da damn da damn i'm an iamb
 
- ix - besides i play the furtive fugitive on roads that don't require a steady pace i'm moving to a life that wouldn't live a home that couldn't find its time or place believe that and i'll not believe in you oh but i do yeah sure the knee thing kicked me hard as rock ain't no fringe benefits out here on the fringe it killed me trying to walk halfway down my block hell even rolling over in bed made the damn thing twinge apparently good employment opportunities require working knees at least i'd been caught up my share of the rent even'd started to save for my proverbial rainy day now i'm behind and what little i had's all spent not to beg or complain just true enough to say something else true i can say's what one learns no more sharp turns
 
- x - so that should bring us mostly up to date out here there's nothing left for me to rhyme a week at most for me to reinstate what better way to waste away our time heat up some coffee pull me up a chair i'll see you there
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6 Responses

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  1. bindo said, on 2010/02/01 at 20:27

    Well hell, there you are….
    Dug this..Denver reminds me of Jack and Neal, crazed and reckless..Me? I’m headin’ out to the desert..

    I don’t oblige the cold
    Don’t be a stranger

    Peace

    • lady maggie said, on 2010/02/02 at 00:24

      yeah but can’t go just being a stranger to myself i need company to be a stranger with too & yeah here i am heading out of the cold to the near & hell there you are heading out to the far for the empty & crazed and reckless does still work & so – l.m.

      • bindo said, on 2010/02/02 at 01:45

        so an so
        See ya on the highway
        Meet ya at a crossroads

        I’ll buy you a beer and light your smoke
        Just say when and how
        Then whoosh

        So and so
        Immortalized in verse

        • lady maggie said, on 2010/02/03 at 18:00

          and so make it coffee and it will be so

          inevitably so

          they say it’s what a good crossroads is for

          -lm

          • bindo said, on 2010/02/04 at 16:42

            The so of life…
            Coffee it is

            Make it so number one
            Eye eye captain

  2. namelessneed said, on 2010/02/02 at 09:43

    continued strength to you/ keep on artist


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